This is the line in the sand
Sometimes people are fortunate enough to get to a point in their lives when they now that it is THE moment. The now or never of life. I think I may be getting there now.
After so much disappointment, so much sadness mixed with pure joy I am reaching a point where I can no longer stand still. One of my favorite phrases is "agent of change." I don't know why but I really like the way it sounds. Part of me really wants to be one; a catalyst, someone who makes big changes in her world and the world around her. But then I wonder if maybe I really just want to stay in bed, covers pulled tightly to my chin, watching Montel Williams praise the mystical powers of psychic Sylvia Brown.
So what do I do? Do I loose the weight? Change the curtains? Start an activist group? Dedicate myself to religion or my business? I just don't know but I know that the time is drawing near.
I am going to have to draw a line in the sand and decide whether or not I cross it. If I choose not to then I will be stuck standing quietly behind it and watching the rest of the world go on without me. Watching my children develop without me. My husband grow and age alone. I need to draw that line and then I need to close my eyes and jump over it.
How much security do I need though? Do I have to know what I am jumping into to (as if I could!) or should I just jump blindly? The Fool in the Tarot card deck is always depicted walking off a cliff wearing a blindfold. I wish in some ways I could be like that. In some ways I am like my older sister who couldn't get into the car as a child just with the promise of a happy surprise at the end of the road. She always had to know exactly where we were going, when we would get there and what we would do. I think my parents often indulged her and just let the cat out of the bag as long as she kept it to herself.
I don't really want to be like that either.
I want to be the middle ground of impulsivity.
Is that possible? Or is the middle ground really just settling for mediocrity? Maybe I like mediocre?
After so much disappointment, so much sadness mixed with pure joy I am reaching a point where I can no longer stand still. One of my favorite phrases is "agent of change." I don't know why but I really like the way it sounds. Part of me really wants to be one; a catalyst, someone who makes big changes in her world and the world around her. But then I wonder if maybe I really just want to stay in bed, covers pulled tightly to my chin, watching Montel Williams praise the mystical powers of psychic Sylvia Brown.
So what do I do? Do I loose the weight? Change the curtains? Start an activist group? Dedicate myself to religion or my business? I just don't know but I know that the time is drawing near.
I am going to have to draw a line in the sand and decide whether or not I cross it. If I choose not to then I will be stuck standing quietly behind it and watching the rest of the world go on without me. Watching my children develop without me. My husband grow and age alone. I need to draw that line and then I need to close my eyes and jump over it.
How much security do I need though? Do I have to know what I am jumping into to (as if I could!) or should I just jump blindly? The Fool in the Tarot card deck is always depicted walking off a cliff wearing a blindfold. I wish in some ways I could be like that. In some ways I am like my older sister who couldn't get into the car as a child just with the promise of a happy surprise at the end of the road. She always had to know exactly where we were going, when we would get there and what we would do. I think my parents often indulged her and just let the cat out of the bag as long as she kept it to herself.
I don't really want to be like that either.
I want to be the middle ground of impulsivity.
Is that possible? Or is the middle ground really just settling for mediocrity? Maybe I like mediocre?
posted by MZ at 8:38 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home